Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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