Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
