Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
