sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
