hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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