At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection
I hate that ur telling me this.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
Randomize
