the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
