I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
