omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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