I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
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