I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
