I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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