i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
In America we eat man semen.
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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