Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
