eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
