dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
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A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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