I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
Randomize
