i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
