What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
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Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
my poor anus
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
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She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
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