And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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