i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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