She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
