I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
