I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
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