I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
