If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
