it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Randomize
