We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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