If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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