my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
So this whole chlamydia situation totally puts a damper on my back to school sex schedule, there's just no way of knowing who of them was the perpetrator... Time for new candidates
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
