Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
