My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
for some reason leaving your socks onmakes it less meaningful.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
