Michael Bay diarrhea
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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