In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
If I die, sorry about rent.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
Randomize
