I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
I remember sucking his bleeding finger and then it's all black until he had his hand down my pants.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
