I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
No, we ended up finding him drunk at a bus stop downtown sitting on the bench asking people for chocolates and amazing stories to "rid his mind of his whore of a girlfriend"
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
