I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Randomize
