well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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