It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Randomize
