someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
