I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
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