I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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