I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
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Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
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