I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
while i am personally glad that we met...i feel like for society as a whole it was a bad thing
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Randomize
