There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
