You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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