my room smells like sperm. sweet.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
