just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
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cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
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If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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