Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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