take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I went from swearing off of sex to planning a threesome. It's been a rollercoaster of a day.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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