I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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