so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Randomize
