Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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