I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
omg kevin jonas gave his bride a glass slipper..could he be any gayer then he is now
he is so gay. he makes clay aiken look straight. what is wrong with the lady that married him? kevin must be envious of her balls
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
it went ok. then he slept in a parking lot and took me out for a picnic the next day. boys are confusing.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
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