just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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