my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Randomize