I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
