Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
