My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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